Moment for Satire: An Open Letter to Charles G. Koch

07 11 2014

UPDATE: A number of intelligent readers thought that a satirical post undermined the momentum behind the nationwide tea party movement. I disagree — I think keeping a light-hearted tone in our communications (Google does this) helps set a better mood. But frankly, I have never presumed to be THE leader of anything — I only helped organize a single tea party in Washington. As such, what I’ll do, if you find it acceptable, preface the subject line of anything humorous with a clear indication that this is humorous. And then I’ll follow up, immediately, with a serious post.

Dear Charles G. Koch Foundation,

We wanted to let you know how excited we were to hear of your willingness to fund our tea parties Because we are avid readers, we read Playboy magazine (large print edition, of course) so that we can have the latest news updates, be it aspiring actresses and their hobbies, or a few good jokes to quicken happy hour conversation.

Imagine our surprise that you decided to let Playboy know of your decision to pay us before you ever let US know! I mean, there we were, sitting in our respective cardboard box homes, thinking up protest ideas, and wondering if anyone would ever pay us for it! I turned to a friend and said, “I could really use a home. Or a Lexus.” And then my friend said, “We should both get Lexuses.” We then debated the plural form of Lexus. It’s Lexii, by the way. But you knew that, because you probably know Latin. Most foundations know Latin. It’s science.

Anyway, we made a list of stuff we want, and we’ve put it all under the header of “How to move the conservative movement forward.” Turns out, all you have to do is heap cash on activists who will invariably misuse that money. You know, like ACORN. And that is the reason for this letter. We want to make sure your money goes to the right people and is used correctly. That is, to us and for whatever we want. You know how we’re going to limit government? A 60 inch plasma. It’s called getting the message out, and I don’t see how you can do that with just a 13 inch broken television I found in the dumpster next to my box.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you my social security number and account information so we could make the transfer as quickly as possible. There are all kinds of other transfers about to happen too — I keep getting contacted by relatives of these Nigerian princes and English financiers all of whom want a piece of this Tea Party action. As for your metrics, which are clearly stated and make certain that donor intent is actually observed, we’re totally cool with that. Nudge, wink. Your money is safe with us. Make it out to my name, tho. Just to be safe.

Love,

The New American Tea Party

P.S. We’re probably getting a grant for National Service or whatever from the Obama Administration. I hope this doesn’t conflict with your goals of limiting the size and scope of government so things like mandatory national service never become a reality. If so, please feel free to discard this letter.

UPDATE: Make that several Lexii. This movement isn’t going to grow itself.

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